Autistics and PDA Checklist

PDA, better named as 'Persistent Drive for Autonomy', a distinct profile some Autistics have, if approached with care will reveal a deep drive for self-protection, autonomy, agency, and authenticity.

Demands, and that includes demands-dressed-as-requests, feel like threats to our safety, to functioning, to life itself even, prompting protective resistance rather than any defiance - as wrongly fixated-upon in olden days, as that ridiculous diagnosis - ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

It is a case of can't, not won't.  Survival.

PDAers thrive with careful collaboration, open invitation, and respect for internal mechanisms that bespeak a different way of being - nut the opposite which happens with kneejerk coercion and control applied to us.

Our creativity, empathy, and insight shines best when agency, an understanding of our fear states, and undamaged mutual trust are honoured.

Anxiety is our kryptonite.  Avoidance is maximised when feeling alerted, put-upon, but moreso when coerced or misunderstood, while low-demand, flexibility, humour, and imagination may help restore safety and agency.

Beneath the superficial 'resistance' often lies something more than profound that is both reachable and beneficial for all - internal worlds, a sense of justice, deeper connection, and an aching and arching sense of human freedom.

Not all of the indicatives below automatically speak of the possibility of a PDA profile within autism, but a pattern of ticks developing might lead a parent or other loved-one to see sense in either seeking greater knowledge of the PDA world, PDA needs, and choosing a PDA-informed person-to-person approach in relating to autistics with PDA.

☐ 1. Strong need for autonomy

Feels safest and most authentic when self-directing choices. We resist external control, even for enjoyable things, as autonomy equals safety and dignity.

"To be me, I’ll do it in my way, not the way you demand."

☐ 2. Intense self-protection against perceived coercion

Any hint of pressure can trigger instinctive avoidance. It’s not defiance — it’s a nervous system protecting agency, life.

"Can you just stop telling me to relax - now I am tensed-up!"

☐ 3. Creative negotiation and persuasion

Often finds inventive, humorous, or logical ways to redirect demands while maintaining control - a strength in flexible problem-solving.

"If I feed AND walk the dog, can I hand-over the task of cleaning the litter box to you?”

☐ 4. Deep sense of justice and fairness

Highly values equality and mutual respect - resists hypocrisy or arbitrary authority. Justice feels like safety and trust.

"Why do adults get to say 'No', but I don’t when I really need to?"

☐ 5. Rapid stress response to demands

Requests can feel like threats to freedom, activating the fight/flight system instantly. Soothing nervous system first enables our re-engagement later.

"You’re making my brain go all loud when you keep nagging!"

☐ 6. Strong imagination and internal world

Uses fantasy, role-play, or storytelling for comfort, autonomy, and exploring identity safely.

"Um, right now I’m being Percy Jackson -  and he don't do no dishes."

☐ 7. Moving silently between high capability and shutdown

Abilities vary with felt-safety and autonomy — not inconsistency, but a reflection of our regulation state.

"Yesterday I could. Today my brain says no.  Fact."

☐ 8. Deep empathy ... yet challenges expressing it under pressure

Feels others’ emotions intensely but may withdraw or appear uncaring when overwhelmed. Emotional overload masks underlying empathy.

"If I show I care, I might stop functioning in my state right now."

☐ 9. Resistance to hierarchy

Prefers equality and collaboration over being "told". Responds best to invitations and partnership.

"Together as equals, or not at all - no kings above me."

☐ 10. Socially insightful yet socially cautious

Reads people well but may use that insight to avoid vulnerability or regain control in interactions, for safety.

"Your face tells me the request is a demand, and my voice says 'No' in advance."

☐ 11. Thrives on novelty and flexibility

Repetition and imposed routines can feel restrictive. We can enjoy spontaneity and variety ---> when self-chosen.

"I want to make the plan this time while doing it - not before."

☐ 12. Challenges in complying even for personal goals

We may struggle to follow our own plans if they start feeling like obligations - demand sensitivity ... extends even inward.

"I was going to do it, but now that it’s on the list, I can’t anymore."

☐ 13. We can use humour, distraction, or charm as regulation tools

Social creativity often serves as self-protection when anxiety or expectations rise.

"Tidy my room?  But I want to sing you my funny new song."

☐ 14. Deep need for relational safety

Trust, connection, and co-regulation unlock cooperation. Threats, punishment, or control break connection and threaten or damage autonomy.

"I’ll do it if you sit with me while I give it a go or do some."

☐ 15. Authenticity-driven

Feels physical discomfort when masking, lying, or conforming. Needs to live truthfully to feel grounded.

"I can’t pretend to like it as it makes me feel like throwing-up."

☐ 16. High anxiety linked to unpredictability and control

Demands increase uncertainty, and uncertainty amplifies anxiety. Predictable freedom - not rigid structure - brings us calm.

"Tell me exactly what’s going to happen, and don’t make me promise anything."

☐ 17. Strong sense of identity and boundaries

May reject labels, instructions, or help that feels imposed. Autonomy in defining ourselves is crucial, as is denial of the most obvious at times.

"Don’t fix it for me — just let me figure it out for myself."

☐ 18. May use avoidance or delay as coping

Pausing, procrastinating, or withdrawing are protective, not oppositional - just ways to regain emotional safety.

"Maybe later ... not now, but later."

☐ 19. Sensitive to tone and perceived power imbalance

Even gentle directives can feel intrusive if not framed collaboratively.

"Don’t use that voice - I might listen if you talk nicely."

☐ 20. Values mutual respect above compliance

Cooperation arises when autonomy, respect, and trust are mutual — not when obedience is expected.

"It's easier to do if I do it for you by choice, than when you demand it."

☐ 21. May appear controlling but is seeking safety

Control-seeking is rarely dominance - it’s a way to create necessary predictability and agency in an extra-uncertain world.

"Let me decide when, so my brain doesn’t panic."

☐ 22. Strong internal logic and independence of thought

Forms conclusions through deep reasoning rather than social expectation - intellectually autonomous to a surprising degree.

"That doesn’t make sense just because everyone says it does."

☐ 23. Alternates between intense connection and withdrawal

Deep bonds coexist with a need for solitude to restore autonomy and reduce sensory or emotional overwhelm.

"I love you, but I need to not talk for a bit."

☐ 24. Emotional transparency when safe

When trusted, can express emotions powerfully, honestly, and insightfully.

"You can see it all on my face - it's not hidden, I am not hiding."

☐ 25. Thrives with invitation and collaboration

Responds best to shared decision-making, gentle curiosity, and language of choice rather than instruction.

"Ask me what I think we should do, not what I’m supposed to do... that I don't know or care about."

Notes About Demands:

If the right answer is 'Yes' or 'No', equally, it is not a demand. Phew!

Otherwise:

It is a demand.

If 97 options are supplied to choose from... it is a psuedo-choice, as bad as any demand.

If the question is open-ended or the task unlimited... it is a particularly awful demand.

If the demand is all in fancy-dress, made to look like and sound like a Request... it is a demand, plus an automatic loss of respect.

If it is an indirect or implied demand... come on, your sneakiness makes it worse.

If you add in a level of emotionality... "you love me don't you? so you'll do this for me...", expect rejection.

If it is merely a social demand... you just put our two kryptonites, social and demand, together, created the third, anxiety, and sent them our way.

A self-imposed demand can be crippling too, as can be a demand extending from our past ability or success.

Even monitoring, observation, surveillance, measuring, comparing, can be a distinct demand that is rejected outright.

"Be happy, nice, productive, friendly, serious"... are all demands too.

If I am left unsupported to work out matters... it is fake-freedom, a punishment, in effect a catastrophic demand from hell.

You may very well swim in demands, have demands as your life context... but they are toxic to us - we swim in free internal states that we seek to bring more and more out into the world so we can manifest our way of being, be us, outwardly too.

~ (ɐpd) ʎllɐǝɹƃ uɥoɾ